Aaron Rodgers Is Handsomest

Joe Flacco was going to be another kind of ho-hum post; the Baltimore Ravens quarterback is fairly average, I think, large-but-hooded eyes, enormous forehead and lips. But then I stumbled across this picture. Handle-bar mustaches are for no one. I appreciate that his hair is so light it doesn’t look like a caterpillar has died lightly stretched across his face, but still. STILL. Since this is abnormal, as far as I can tell, I’m only deducting half a football for the monstrosity, but I’m not afraid to change my mind.

(Source: thesportsfanjournal.com)

You know what? I don’t have any strong feelings about Kevin Kolb, except that probably the Arizona Cardinals paid too much him. He didn’t play too well, and then he got really injured and one of the least-handome quarterbacks, John Skelton, had to cover for him. (More on Skelton LATER.) Kolb’s face is too chubby. His hair is too long. He’s not hideous. He’s just … not … anything.

(Source: lasvegassun.com)

Okay, yes, Michael Vick, the Eagles quarterback, was thrown into prison for financing and participating in illegal dog fights, and yes, he was supposed to be at the helm of this year’s “DREAM TEAM” which is an annoying and inaccurate moniker. He did his time in prison, and whether or not he’s “rehabilitated,” he travels around and tell kids not to participate in dog fights, he didn’t come up with the horrible nickname, and damn, he’s handsome. Look at the intensity of his face up there. Look a those big, beautiful eyes. Look at that beard/mustache combo done right, FOR ONCE. Swoon.

(Source: technorati.com)

I know I’m totally in the minority on this, but I love the Chicago Bears quarterback, Jay Cutler. Some reasons I love him: He’s a jerk to reporters but does a ton of charity work;  Bears fans hate him (and I hate Bears fans!  So it makes sense!  Or something.); AND because he’s pretty sexy. He doesn’t always have the scruff, alas, but he’s got some dreamy eyes and a big, authoritative nose, which apparently I’m into. 

(Source: scrapetv.com)

Matt Moore: From zero with the Panthers to hero with the Dolphins, this quarterback holds a special place in my heart because we once communicated via the magic of the internet, and then because he’s been so good for the Dolphins this year. However, handsome, he is not. That chin beard honestly looks like pubes. (I hate that word, so I hated I had to write that.) I like his rakish, sweaty hair, however.

(Source: nj.com)

I honestly don’t have any strong feelings about Phillip Rivers, quarterback for the San Diego Chargers, except mild disappointment.  Like the Chargers themselves, he seems like he should be a lot better-looking than he is.  All the elements are there, but they just don’t come together in a way that is particularly agreeable.

(Source: zimbio.com)

So, I’m not a big fan of Big Ben, the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback. He’s been accused a couple of times of sexual assault, which automatically would make anyone less attractive. Also, he’s Swiss.  Ugh.  But more than that, look at this big dumb face.  Those flabbby cheeks and broad nose.  Yuck.  And his neck is honestly thicker than his head.  Super gross, Big Ben.  

No footballs!

(Source: bestpicblog.com)

Despite looking clueless most of the time, AND despite the fact that his beard connects with his hair, I think Alex Smith is fairly handsome. It’s sort of a mystery how he’s handsome - just like it’s sort of a mystery how he can seem so average, and yet lead an amazing San Francisco 49ers team this year, that went from last year’s horrible season to losing in an ugly semifinals game. The game was ugly; Smith is NOT.

Man, three Matts in a row.  We’ll get to some more interesting names soon, I promise.  Here we have Matt Ryan, quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons. His nickname is “Matty Ice” because he once drank so much ice beer during a high school game that he thought he was a safety. Or something. Anyway, he often has a horrible chin beard, but he gets extra points for his perfect eyebrows.  Seriously, they may be the best eyebrows on a quarterback. He must get them threaded.

(Source: sportsgrid.com)

Matt Schaub, the currently injured quarterback of the cleverly named Houston Texans, really should be more handsome. He’s totally my type.  A little bit of sexy stubble, a closely-shaven head.  His facial features, alas, just don’t add up to handsome.  His eyes are way too close together. And check it out, his face is so squished up it only exists on half of his relatively large head.

(Source: fanvoiced.com)